Lazy Confessions .

[Zephyя !?]

But Im floating away

When your lost, your lost. Whether it be in the big old city, or in your own thoughts. You can be lost forever and ever and never find the real world. Like a big labyrinth, impossible. But... fun, in its own way. Why, I didn't know. It was just like that. The thrill of being lost, having to find who you were with or where you were last is a joy sometimes, and it makes you not over think the real world. God, that didn't make any sense, did it?

The mindnight moon hid behind the passing clouds, all grey and transparent infront of the blue ball of light. The sky behind them was black, except for the ominous glow from Luna, the godess I had heard so much about the past few days at the child center down the street. I liked hearing about all these gods and stuff, it was entertaining and really made me think that we weren't alone. Maybe there was a great figure standing above, deciding our fate? Who would know?

I closed my eyes, sighing contently and shifting my weight atop the small cliff I sat on. Really, it was just a flat rock infront of a large stone wall, and the sea infront of the cliff. Each wave rolled over the edge and touched my paws, then receaded back into the ocean. I opened my eyes and watched it play with each speck of dirt, chasing it then pulling it into the large body of water, only to bring it back and take it away again like some secret game.

The wind combed through my fur, whispering at the tips of my ears and then whistling by, mixing into the sounds of the ocean waves. I turned my head around to see the dim city lights, little shops here and there with their lights on and large "Open 24/7" signs hung up in the windows. I stood slowly, stretching myself out and yawning wide, flexing muscles covered in a bright orange pelt and spots of white here and there.

'A lovely night, I supposed.' I said to myself, stretching my back legs one at a time then hoping up onto the stone wall and trotting along it, nearly perfectly balanced. 'Lovely... night.' I trailed off, stopping along the wall and looking up at the stars that decced the sky, dancing with eachother and twinkling happily. What I would give to be a star. No worries, no problems, just hanging in the sky with no one to bother you. Maybe just making small talk with the other stars, living life as a breeze and staring down at the horribly, miserable lives of strays and humans alike.

I closed my eyes and imagined being a star, then turned on the wall slowly and looked down at the beach below. I imagined I was a star staring down at the waves, washing up on shore and leaving behind little sea shells. Maybe being a star wouldn't be that great. You couldn't play in the waves. You couldn't dance along the street, or wag your tail or eat yummy hot dogs. Unless stars had hot dogs and beaches and tails. Lots of them. Oh! The life of a star must be grand then! Stupid stars.

........................................

word: 559
muse: medium
puppet: Zephyr

[` EMBERS]

Breathe in breathe out
Tied to a wheel fingers got to feel
Bleeding through a tourniquet smile
I spin on a whim slide to the right

Did you know that dirt tastes awfully grotesque? Just the simple texture of it...best compared to soft, ground gravel. Not that I know what gravel tastes like. What kind of creature eats rocks? That's simply not natural, and terrible for the digestive system, if you ask me. Don't you think it'd be absoultely gut wrenching to shit gravel all of the place? And dirt too! I imagine it'd even pick up some slime traveling down all those inner tubes, wouldn't you say? By God, doesn't dirt stick together? There'd be clumps of it, seeing how much you swallowed! Not only is that quite vulgar, but now I feel like shit just thinking about it!

But it's not my fault that I tripped and fell in the dirt! It's really not on my own accord that I kicked up that bloody, dust filled pit. Someone else is obviously responsible for the dirt that shimmied down my throat and into my disturbed stomach! I know, because I traced it back to Zephyr! Because she's the one who fell in love with me, who then betrayed me for the mutt, who caused me to go insane, that caused my personality to change, that led me away from that damned boardwalk where it all started, over to this cliff, that just so happened to have a hole filled with dirt that I tripped in and swallowed! Therefore, it is perfectly clear that everything that is now happening in my life is the fault of my broken angel.

Anyways, I figured that the Boardwalk, and Sage's Beach, and Little Creek were all causing me grief, so I moved north and ended up in this godforsaken pit of gloom and doom. To my dissapointment, my bizarre mind sightings of Zephyr unrelentlessly kept on, battering me to the point of suicidal longings. It's been quite a nuisance actually, but I've grown accustomed to the horror of being mentally chased by Kayne, haunted by the ghost of Zephyr, or simply being surrounded by other floating aqquantainces.

Darkness had enveloped the sky that night, and the black canvas sheet of sky had been pock-marked with stars. A single cloud drifted in from the west, misty and gray, just waiting to blanket the moon in it's pursuit across the heavens. It seemed quite out of place on such a clear placid night. And though the corner stores' neon lights continued to blink, and car headlights shone in the distance, it seemed as if I had been caught in opaque ebony netting. My eyes refused to see, my ears refused to hear. I could only further more disgust myself as I tried to wipe away the taste of dirt in my mouth. And though this was not the first time I had been so unfortunate to taste the dirt, I found that this time it tasted of the unknown, of unfamiliarity. Everything was different around these parts, not at all like the Big City where I had met Abiddon, or back at the boardwalk when I stumbled upon Starla.

A few Zephyr's with white angel wings stood at the corner of each of my eyes, humming a soft melody in my ears. I ignored them, and their unusually strong scent. I had never been able to recollect Zephyr's soft aroma before...it was rather intriguing actually. Eventually, the mental images parted the black netting and I found myself almost falling off the edge of a sheer hill by the cliff. Startled, I stepped back a few paces, looking grim. What if I had fallen to my death? Silently, I imagined myself smiling as I plummeted down, waving goodbye to the images of Zephyrs, angel wings flapping frantically as if they could save me. Changing my reaction, I then thought of myself screaming in terror, and a procession of mutts laughing cruelly at my face, spitting vehemnantly.

A sudden sensation caused my head to perk up and steal a glance to my right where a Zephyr lay, looking quite tranquil beneath the stars. I furrowed my brow and opened my mouth to speak. By God, you aren't even floating! Not to mention you seem like you lost a few pounds since you damn chased me into that deserted house! I complained aloud, talking rather loudly. It's not as if it mattered, she was only a hallucination, was she not? One day I'm going to actually find you in real life, and tell you how hideous those angel wings look on you! Don't ever die, might I add, because I don't want your forsaken soul haunting me! You already do so well even though you're alive! You and your bloated companion, Kayne! Good grief! I shook my head in an all-knowing fashion.

That's when I believe I started up a bizarre cackle, something like that of a vulture when it spots a wonderfully juicy, decaying carcass. Go on! You can start floating at any time! I cried. It's just marvelous out tonight, I thought.

felt you like electric light
For our love
For our fear
For our rise against the years and years and years

puppet. SERENDIPITY
word count. EIGHT-HUNDRED&THIRTY
muse. NINE-OUT-OF-TEN

[Zephyя !?]

So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head
I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead

The skies seemed to brighten, their little twinkling arms stretching out to eachother, brushing against eachother then grabbing another and blurring into one large splot. I would never let my past get to me, I never did, never will. I learned to just push it away. Everyone. Especially those I loved the most out of everything. Serendipity. What I did to him was wrong. Horribly horribly wrong. I was so in love, obsessed to the point I was nearly tripping on myself. I would have killed myself.

And then I saved him. The other angel. Before I knew it, I was inlove again, but I didn't mean for it to be like that. I didn't want to betray who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with, never wanted to ruin what I already had. But before I even could breath out his name, I was keeping a stranger warm, keeping him alive before he slipped into the waves and disappeared. The one I would have my beloved little ones with. The one I was supposed to be happy with after my pain-staking decision to leave Serendipity behind me forever. God damn I was a fool!

And then... and then he left. After they died. After my darlings died. My love, my everything then, left me. I had something that would love me forever, and I left him for someone that left me. I got my own dose of medicine from that damned Kayne and his fuckin' offspring. Poor Serendipity. I learned quickly what it felt like to be abandoned. And for once I thought I was really going to go insane, but not from undeniable love, from betrayal.

Poor Serendipity.

The stars twisted into eachother when such a familiar voice broke the eerie waves that I before thought were so beautiful. The voice I knew so well, had imprinted into my memory for what seemed like so many years ago. One I thought I would never be able to hear again, and yet, here I lay on a wall, listening to a beautiful god talk to me. After what I did.

I turned my head, brown orbs searching for what I knew was my past, here to confront me. Call me a bitch, mutt, slut, I knew it. It was coming. Floating? Me? I looked down at the wall beneath my stomach, then stood up slowly, balancing carefully. No. I wasn't floating. How much I wished I was, though. I looked back towards him. 'Serendipity?' I breathed the word carefully, the syllables somehow rolling into the next like some sick little poem, taunting me. 'But... I am here! This is... real life. What are you talking about?' I asked him, leaping from the wall and landing awkwardly before him. Angel wings? Bloated mate? 'You'd be happy to hear, he's... he's gone.' I looked at him, more worried then I should have been. A tinge of hope in my undeserving heart, and a little flitter of some past sence of love that I once shared with this brute.

The love that I had to damnly and evily thrown away for a bastard! When I saw Serendipity last, he was twisted into this monstrous figure, so close to killing Kayne and... possibly even me. Twisted into a sad, and clearly very hurt male that looked at me with such longing, but such.. such... jelousy and hatred. I remember those moments I shared with him on that boardwalk, us escaping barely with our lives, then bonding ourselves together so tightly, staring into eachother's eyes and feeling this horrible strong rope tie us in.

'Serendipity. Im sorry.'

I know what's best for me
But I want you instead
I'll keep on wasting all my time

........................................

word: 622
muse: high medium- low high
puppet: Zephyr
playing: Over and Over by Three Days Grace

[` EMBERS]

You took my heart,
Deceived me right from the start
You showed me dreams,
I wished they'd turn into real
You broke a promise and made me realize:
It was all just a lie

Something about the way she spoke seemed so real, and as I sat there on the edge of the cliff, for the first time, I wondered what I'd do if I actually saw the real Zephyr again. Inevitably, I had contemplated killing her on the spot. But that was a natural response to her actions. After internally wounding me so badly...wouldn't it make sense to hold the desire of revenge? Playing a scene between the two of us in my mind, I could see myself asking about Kayne, if he was still alive, if he was there. I knew for a fact that if I ever saw him...he would die. Or maybe I would die, I had no way of knowing. Only destiny knows what is to be, and what isn't.

To my aggravation, I could not picture what would happen if I ever stumbled across that elegant femme again. Thankfully, this was all a...a very realistic hallucination. This Zephyr looked exactly how I left her. She was not out of proportion, she did not float, she had no wings...it wasn't anything like I had imagined before. Memories of fainting on the Boardwalk in front of Starla came to mind. That was the first real hallucination of Zephyr and Kayne I had. Since then I can't keep track of all of the twisted day-dreams that have been woven into demented nightmares. There was not a night that I have slept peacefully through for a year. My eyes widened, realizing how long it had been since I had met her. So long...

The Zephyr was saying something now, not in the angelic tone the smaller Zephyr's--who still remained in the corner of my eyes--were yammering on in, nor shrieking like the first of the Zephyr's I had seen, the one who had caused my black out. It was her normal tone of voice, without the exaggeration. That's when I realized I was still laughing, and I quieted some to stare intently at the female, listening to the words, but not grasping their meaning. Only a questionable tone lingered on the tip of her tongue. What was it she was saying? In truth, I didn't really care.

Looking around me briskly, I tried to block out the sudden thoughts of the mutt that were weaving in and out of my awareness. The pain...perhaps if Zephyr had simply told me it wasn't meant to be, I wouldn't have been so hurt. But the fact that I found them there...curled up next to each other like that...it left twice the burn-marks, twice the scars that marred my heart. She had made me feel So happy. Oh, so very happy, and when she left me...oh, so very sad. She had unintentionally thwarted me with her actions. I could have killed her. And the building guilt, the realization that I wasn't good enough, and pure-breds could mess up too: it changed everything. And now, I will never be the same.

I nodded dumbly at the talking Zephyr. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Now, what was I saying? The Zephyr sitting at the bottom corner of my left eye started rapidly sneezing and coughing, and the other three immediately joined it in a synchronized manner. Would you stop sneezing, you stupid pixie dogs! I screamed angrily, eyes crossed, trying to look at them all at once. They whined frantically and moved across my eyesight and eventually disappeared past my peripheral vision. Now I was just about to chastise you about-- A floating Zephyr began circling the one I was addressing. I knew there was bound to be a floating one sometime soon! Cursing, I sat down hard, tail sweeping back and forth, frustrated.

Never mind. I stated crossly. You can't chastise a hallucination.

Fallen angel, tell me why?
What is the reason, the thorn in your eye?
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door
There's no escape now
No mercy no more

puppet. SERENDIPITY
word count. SIX-HUNDRED&SIXTY-FIVE
muse. EIGHT-OUT-OF-TEN

[Zephyя !?]

Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet

I couldnt feel any more like a worm. I mean, he was losing it infront of me, his eyes crossing angrily, frustration radiating from his white frame. I flinched away, leaning back and closing my eyes at his harsh words. He spoke to me like I wasnt even there, no, like I didnt matter. And really, I didnt. I was nothing. Air. A cloud. Poof. One moment you think you see me, then of course Im just that little bug you dont notice, but maybe flick off your shoulder.

I turned away. 'Right. Pixie dogs. Bugs.' I scoffed, turning away from him and towards the ocean. I looked at the smooth waves. They rolled over eachother in perfect harmony, no fighting, no lies, no tears. Just movements that blended into the next one seamlessly. I stared at them, not looking at anything else, not noticing his motions or each sick little stare he tossed at me. I just kept my eyes on the white caps, the foam that splashed up at the little cliff, barely soaking my white paws.

'So, thats it. Right? Im a floating pixie to you?' I clarified, my eyes trailing up the glistening white path up the moon that caused it. I sat down slowly, my tail curling around my base and laying over my paws. I knew he would cut me off like before with his harsh words. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Right. Now, what was I saying? I closed my eyes, blocking out the moon that had once before lighed the way across the cliffs and rocks, the one that had acctually brought us together, now it felt like it bright glares only made his voice more intense and insane. Like, I was going to go insane.

Insanity. That seemed like such a blissful state at that moment. Something you probably couldnt break. Ahh I wanted to be insane. So insane that it was impossible to look at someone without seeing them cut up and dead, or think somethings coming after you. 'Tell me, whats insanity like? I think I may resolve to that tonight. I think it'd be fun.' I laughed suddenly. Not like I usually laugh, and deffinatly more of a cackle then the one Serendipity had finished just now. I laughed again, enjoying the ring the maniacle sound brought to me. It was absolutly beautiful, I wanted to play it over and over and over again, over and over until I was sick of it, and then play it again. Like the birds singing, or puppy yips. I finally slowed down when my stomach was starting to tense and hurt. 'Oh... Oh God... Ahhahaaha!' I broke out again, then stood up and turned right towards Serendipity and grinned broadly.

'Look, you big mutt. Im not a fuckin' hillucination, nor a pixie thing. So you can shove that idea right up your hole, and talk to me like I acctually exist!' I snarled suddenly, still holding the grin, but having more of a wild look to my eyes.

Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

........................................

word: 507
muse: high medium- low high
puppet: Zephyr
playing: I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace
notes: Yeah. She lost it.

[` EMBERS]

I tried so hard
And got so far
But in the end
It doesn't even matter
I had to fall
To lose it all
But in the end
It doesn't even matter

Maw parted, cranium tilted slightly, and I found no words found their way past the tip of my tongue. The vast assortment of vocabulary I had accumulated as I had grown gargled helplessly in the pit of my stomach, not daring to pass into the open air. Every motion seemed so impossibly slow, so unreal, so much like the illusions that had deflected the reality of my situations. Each blink felt as if I had been sleeping long and hard, dreaming dreams one could not possibly imagine during the daylight, during consciousness; during the hours of sanity. The forepaw that had been dangling carelessly in the air sought the churned earth by the sheer Cliffside. For the first time in the past months, I felt as if I knew what was happening.

You… My voice cracked immediately. Look, you big mutt. I’m not a fuckin' hallucination, nor a pixie thing. So you can shove that idea right up your hole, and talk to me like I actually exist! And though I knew she had been speaking before she had uttered these words, they had slipped through my mind like oil passing over ice. But her lips had told me all that I needed to hear, all that I ever wanted to hear from her again. Not ever had I heard a Zephyr from my mind speak to me like this. Was it possible she was indeed poised in front of me, seething with hate toward my insolence, my ignorance? I had come here to escape her, escape the memories! Why must she torment me, why must she follow?

The small pixie-like Zephyrs failed to return to my view, likewise did the floating Zephyr who had bobbled around aimlessly but seemingly seconds ago. You… I repeated hoarsely, fur above my eyes creasing over my black pupils. My mouth wavered, still open slightly. She talked to me as if I was dirt, as if I was the one to blame. If she was real…she had no right to treat me like the dirt we walked upon. It was she who deserved the anger, the hate, the loathing, and I should have the power to wield it! And yet…I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, let alone express such a harsh emotion toward the one canine I had hoped never to meet again, the one I hoped to forget forever so that I may continue my life without the pain of memory, of the first ultimate rejection.

You can’t be…the real Zephyr. I choked out, bodice unmoving. You’re not a hallucination. Not like the others. Not…painful… It wasn’t a question anymore. She couldn’t be unreal, she couldn’t! This was her, this had to be her. But why here? Why now? Could not the creator leave me to live in peace, leave me to suffer alone? Why could she not go off with her mutt of a mate and their little puppies she ought to have by now, and leave me the fuck out of her life!? My front paws quavered dramatically, yet I had no say in my movement now. It was too much of a shock to see her real, see her there so unexpectedly, just when I thought I could have recovered from my state of insanity.

I looked over my shoulder hesitantly to see the edge of the cliff not more than three feet behind my heels. But you…you still bring me pain… I trailed off quietly, almost as if talking to dirt at my feet rather than the creature before me. Looking up sharply, my eyes flared. But if I knew you were the real Zephyr…I would have…I would have flung myself from this edge minutes ago! I took a full body turn and took a short bound to the edge of the cliff, staring down, faraway mist glazing over my eyes. I would’ve, I would’ve… I told myself again, not bothering to look back at my broken angel.

Dangling a single paw over the edge, I stared into the abyss. Death…it was tempting.

Things aren’t the way they were before
You wouldn’t even recognize me anymore
Not that you knew me back then
But it all comes back to me
In the end

puppet. SERENDIPITY
word count. SIX-HUNDRED&SEVENTY-FIVE
muse. EIGHT-OUT-OF-TEN

[Zephyя !?]

Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now

I was drounding. I was no where, in such a black hole. I felt everything coming into me, blacked out, I couldnt see anything. I found myself seething and aggressive. More angry then I had ever been. I was never angry, I was never upset with anything other then grief. This was an emotion so strong and powerful, I thought I would die before it was over. Finally over, never to have to touch such anger again. I wished this so bad. This was not the inferno I had felt when Kayne and I had made love. This was not the candle that had lightened me when I gave birth, that gave me the feeling that I was a mother. This was a fucking torch, tearing me limb from limb. I wanted to scream so loud I busted a lung, I wanted to rip my flesh off and... and....

The wings. The white, white, blinding wings. The ivory pelt, the beautiful songs it sang, but so slow, so... so confused. He shouldn't be like that. An angel is supposed to be happy, and glorious, and so brilliant, this was not in my dreams. This was not one of my angels. It was... so sad. So unhappy. And I caused it all. The angel that was so speechless, and I caused it all.

I heard a voice, a scared, and loud voice that broke me from the black and the light in the middle. 'No! No! Serendipity! Dont!' I lunged foreward without any thought, nothing but the world around me a blur. Everything softened, the moon causing my world to be soft and light, like a dream. everything was slow motion, my legs stretching before me, I felt myself get closer and closer with every fleeting step, yet I couldnt reach him fast enough.

Shh, Zephyr. Everything else was gone, there was one thing, and only one thing I was aware of. The angel who was going to end it all here. That was going to break the only bond I felt in the world, just like all my other strings. Mother. Bone. Max. Kayne. My babies. Everything. Gone. He was it. This was it. My last chance to find what I was for on this Earth, I had heard it everywhere. Everyone, animal, human, what you will, everyone had some sort of purpose. Everyone was supposadly a saint, a savior, lover, mother, father, friend, you were here to do what that shining light made you to do.

Shh, Zephyr. 'Serendipity!' The voice, so strange, so alien, it rang in my ears, clotting out the rest of the world and tearing my apart. 'Please. Dont. Do. This. To. Me.' Three more leaps. Three more steps, three more bounds, flights, shots, jumps, three spaces between us. I felt the last two steps come, I braced myself.

Shh, Zephyr. What would I do? I would pull him from the cliff, replace his soul with mine and fall to my death. I would make sure I died, so that he may live, atleast allow one thing in my life to be ok. Be there forever, until he passed away, not tragically like I was about to put myself through. The rocks below I knew were sharp, deadly, the drop more then twenty feet.

Shh... The words faded into the air, the last step and I was next to him, the last step, and our bodies were suddenly together, the bright golds and ivories a clash in the night skies, like some distorted, fucked up painting of my life. Serendipity. I closed my eyes, feeling the ground beneath me. I dared open them, no, I wouldnt open them. Never. Not in a million years. Never. For nothing. Dont. Open. Your. Eyes.

A screaming pain shot through my legs, my body, my banner, auds, my head, a horrible, tretchurous pain that shook through me. Im dead. Im dead. I know it. Im dead.

Something shifted, the waves crashing against the cliff wall. Thunder rolled above me, shaking the skies and the earth I was strewn out across. The rocks cold and hard against my side. Dont open your eyes. Never. I squeezed them shut. I wasnt dead. I couldnt be. I could feel the electricity in the air, the storm rolling through heavy, dark clouds, the waves breaking against the wall beneath me. I had to be alive.

Wake up. I cant. I cant. I cant. Im incapable of anything without him. I cant do anything now, Im immobile, a piece of dirt. He wasnt dead, I knew he couldnt be, but I couldnt tell myself that. I needed him now more then ever. My angel, my life.

Breath. No. My lungs wont work. My body wont work.

No. Not without him. If he cant breath, I cant. I dont deserve to live, if I caused an angel's death. Angels cant die.

This one can.

At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies

........................................

word: 845
muse: insane
puppet: Zephyr
playing: Ghost of You - MCR

[` EMBERS]

And what's the worst you take
From every heart you break?
And like the blade you stain
Well I've been holding on tonight

Life is the thread on a wooden spool. There’s always a beginning. And there’s always an end. It starts out wound tightly around, perfect, pristine, and as you unwind the fragile strand, tossing behind you the life gone by, it knots and frays in an ever growing pile behind your back. You can keep pulling and pulling, and knotting, and fraying, and no matter how long the thread is, or the width, or the color, or the knots at the ends…it will run out. Once that little pile of thread is as large as it will become, it’ll be the end, and you’ll throw that thread away in the compost heap. No one cares about knotted thread. No one cares about the distorted pasts of each other’s lives. No one remembers thread. No one will remember us once we’re dead and gone.

My broken angel…what have I done? I knew it was only my mind. I knew it couldn’t possibly be real. It defied everything that I knew, but I saw them. I saw those soft white wings shimmer softly as they settled onto the shoulder blades of the one I once loved, the angel that had healed and then torn open my heart once more. They enveloped her bodice, cushioned her as she began a bound toward my gushing heart that I knew must feel like a journey to her, a journey that she wanted to complete, a journey she needed to complete to be whole, to make herself feel like she could be immortal, she could be an angel.

The paw that lingered over the edge, found itself crossing over from the cliff to the earth, where it planted itself fiercely in place. She was calling my name, over and over, and it gave it such a meaning that I never could have given it myself. I was no serendipity. I was no good fortune, no accidental wonderful thing stumbled upon on a mid-afternoon walk through the park. No penny on the sidewalk. No lucky t-shirt tucked away in the dresser’s bottom drawer. I was a curse, I cursed her. I cursed the angel that I love, I was betraying her. Was I going to kill myself in front of her? Even though she had hurt me first, scarred me so deep that I couldn’t go on? I couldn’t. But I wasn’t going to let her kill herself.

I could feel her pelt warm against mine, her shut eyes waiting for the black tide of death to sweep over her, to carry her under into a hell unimaginable. Angels don’t die. I whispered softly, as she stopped, balancing precariously over the edge. Her face showed death, the longing for death, the need for it. But she didn’t need to die, she didn’t. What was I doing, tormenting her with the knowledge that it was she who had driven me to insanity, tossing the guilt at her quivering paws for making such an impossible decision back on that lonesome beach, back in a time when I could see the sunset in a different way, back when things had potential, things had meaning?

No, Zephyr, no. My voice was barely audible. The roiling sea churned angrily beneath the cliff, the cloudless sky suddenly dark. Hushed wind roared into life, our fur blowing out toward the vast ocean. It’s my fault, now. This is my fault. I wasn’t sure if she could hear me, or if she even cared. All I knew was that she couldn’t kill herself, not just because of me. Why would she sacrifice herself for me, the one canine she both loved and hated for the same reasons? Her gaunt figure loomed over the edge, so threateningly close…I could have sworn it swayed in the wind, her body imploring to topple over into the sea.

The angel wings, the images my mind had created for these months swirled around in a dizzying circle. The duplicates of Zephyr that I had unintentionally recreated within the dark corners of my mind in desperate attempt to forget and move on, the Zephyr with angel wings, the pixies, the ones that floated around, and the giant Zephyr that filled my entire vision: they were laughing and crying, forgetting and remembering, and I stood in the midst of it all, not knowing what to do as the only one that mattered inched her way toward a tragic death that only I was there to stop, to intervene, to place myself in the middle of.

I’m sorry…I’m sorry… My lips quivered with anxiety. I loved you Zephyr…why did you have to choose Kayne? I asked her softly, reaching out with my muzzle to touch her. Please step back. My mind begged. Please… Zephyr…I can still love you…

Can you hear me?
Are you near me?
Can we pretend to leave and then
We'll meet again
When both our cars collide?

puppet. SERENDIPITY
word count. SEVEN-HUNDRED&NINETY-FOUR
muse. NINE-OUT-OF-TEN

[Zephyя !?]

take a breath, take it deep
calm yourself, he says to me
if you play, you play for keeps
take a gun, and count to three
im sweating now, moving slow
no time to think, my turn to go

and you can see my heart beating
you can see it through my chest
and im terrified but Im not leaving
know that i must must pass this test
so just pull the trigger

I had always wondered what would have become of Serendipity and I’s relationship if I had never have seen Kayne drounding in the ocean that night. If we had been perfect ,like Kayne and I. If we would have fought eachother, or not even cared. I knew one thing, that others in your past were clearly not supposed to be in your future if their not right here, right now. This had to have ment Kayne and I were not as perfect as we had thought we were. And there was a reason Kayne left after the pups died, so that maybe -just maybe- I was supposed to come to these cliffs for Serendipity. Just. Maybe.

Fate brings creatures together for silly reasons, but reason nonetheless. I believed that right here was Fate acting quickly, maybe trying to mend what was, and start something new. Or settle something that was and never will be. Just so we didn’t have to leave eachother on such sharp note, hating existance for the rest of our damned lives. Who knew? I sure didn’t, but I wanted to. And I wanted to carry out whatever Fate or Future set for me. Atleast make Serendipity forgive me. He didn’t ever have to love me again, not after what I did to him, but he atleast needed to know that the moment were I was keeping Kayne alive was not planned, and surely not intended the way they were portrayed for my darling Serendipity.

One question I knew had always remained on my tongue. I never thought of it much, but I wanted to come up with the answer now. Now, before I ended everything. Why did I pick Kayne? Serendipity spoke it just as I thought it. Why did I chose that mutt over my true darling? The moment were I was staring at both, one headed on direction, the other going another direction. I was in a position were I cared deeply for both, but in different ways. I cared for Serendipity like a lover, I wanted to be with him forever. I cared for Kayne like a childhood crush did. I never thought of Kayne as a mate. Just a little butterfly in my stomach.

But seeing Serendipity so broken and angry tore off my concentration from reality and what I really should have chosen. His gaze towards me was like a pissed off dragon, like those toys I saw in the windows of stores around town. It had hurt me, but I knew he was hurt more then I could ever feel. Until he just left. I picked Kayne because he was the only one in that moment who didn’t have that aggressive glare, he had a more childish, afraid expression. And that threw off my guard. When your in a moment where your fighting for your life, and you have the chance to spend your last breath standing in Hell or sitting in a beautiful pond, where would you go? I picked the pond, Kayne. He was angry, yes, but he wasn’t angry at me. Serendipity… from what I could see was completely disgusted with the very glance my way. Every stare was a burning hole, a missing piece in my heart.

I could barely hear him in the darkness that was starting to grow around me again. The abyss coming back, enveloping the white angel, so hurt. So… so afraid. His muzzle moving to form words, blurry and barely audible words that I knew were perfect, so perfect. But so tainted with my name. My bloody name, and the words spoken for little ol’ me and what I was about to do. ’Serendipity.’ I muttered the name like it was that of a saint, closing my eyes against the black nightmare starting now to lapse over itself to thicken the blanket. Smothering everything, smothering the love and the hope that we could ever be happy again.

Zephyr… I can love you… The words pierced through everything, through the layers and layers of thick night, cutting like a razor as if the nightmare were just plush. Fluff. Could he ever love me? I doubted it. He, who had stared at me like I was shit. He who saw floating stupid pixie mutts. I didn’t want to believe that, I couldn’t. I didn’t love me. I didn’t want to love me. Loving me would be a waste of breath and a waste of any poor fools time. Got it, Serendipity?

Poor fool. Poor, poor full. Your falling for the same trick Kayne did. Im useless, I cant even make babies correctly. They died, he left. I cant hold a correct relationship for squat, nor can I keep my own offspring alive. Kayne said some of it was his fault. The only thing he did wrong was not leave me like every other male who just became a dad. Its well known that the male dog leaves the female after he has knocked her up, leaving her to teach those little pups all about life on her own. My father did it. His father, my mothers father, even probably Serendipity and Kayne’s fathers. And their fathers before them and them and them. That’s just a simple fact of life. Males, don’t fuck a female then stick around, its useless and pathetic, and you just get really pissed off when the pups die and you blame yourself for not feeding them like you probably should have in the first place. But that’s not your job, really. It’s the mothers. She should spend every moment of the day caring and loving those pups not your sorry ass. Not nuzzling you, or hovering over the still-born baby girl and trying to push her up to the mother’s stomach just to get her to suckle. Nearly crushing the little body trying to get it to breath, trying to feel life, trying so so very hard to hear it whimper and feel it crawl and watch it squirm against the others. Not what I did. Every mother should never do what I did. Try to bring back what never was. Any mother would push the body away and never look at it, never think of it and just keep going. But I wanted every pup. I wanted all of them, not just four out of the five. I wanted them for Kayne. So that he would feel like we did something right, that I did something right.

And then they all died. I was stuck on the past, and so they all died as a punishment. Stupid stupid karma and her rotten love for killing everything I had. After the last pup died. My last baby, my little boy died, Kayne left. I didn’t even look up at him, I didn’t stop him, didn’t even say his name. I just stared at the only thing that had kept us together for this long, gone. Done. Over. Nada. Zip. Kapish? I remember it though, I remember that day so well, just as if it had happened moments ago. Huddling over the four lifeless forms, one still whimpering, trying to suckle. I had nothing for him though, and within moments, the whimpers were gone. It was quiet. So quiet, but it spoke the truth. I know at that moment that Kayne had been standing there, staring at me, defeat written across his face. And then he just turned around. And walked away.

I felt weak. I felt like everything inside me was caving in. Everything that had kept me breathing for these long months, all the pain, the happiness, the sorrow, the anger, everything that was my balloon was now deflating gradually and slowly inside my head and my chest. I could say this so many times, in so many different forms, in so many different metaphors and whatever shity name you want to put on it. For that small moment where I stared at Serendipity just moments ago, before he cursed at me about some little pixie mutt and sneezing Zephyr, I had tasted something I wished I had been for all this time. Insane. Was this still insanity?

Here I was, staring out into the black sea, thinking over everything I had wanted, could have had, and most likely never will. Below me, a single wave crashed against the wall of the cliff, a roar that called to me, coaxing me towards the rocky edge. Suddenly, the lion’s vicious screams morphed into sweet sweet music, lyrics that flooded out my thoughts and instead of yelling at me, screaming my name, whispering memories of past happenings. Places I had forgotten, or people that I didn’t have in my mind on a day to day basis. Suddenly, I was listening to my past all over again.

I breathed slowly, taking a step foreward, closing the distance between me and death. The tales suddenly louder and louder, more coming at a time, a thousand voices one on top of the other, fighting their way to the center of my vision to remind me of what I was leaving behind. I took another step, hoping the closer I got to the cliff the more they would separate and show in a timeline, not like this jumbled net. The waves came in over the thoughts, their thunderous roar hushing the voices and putting the images back into their box. I opened my eyes, suddenly looking back at what I knew was the death of me. I was right. He stood there, staring back into my filmy optics. My breath ran dry, and I opened my mouth to speak the words I knew he would need to hear before I threw this out.

Yet, nothing could come from my black lips, nothing but air. What would I say, if I needed to say something that would calm him, atleast the little bit? He needed to be told Its ok. But the pure fact was, it wasn't ok. Everything was fucked up. I couldn't lie to him now, it would just add to the next reasons I should be sent straight to Hell. Hades would love to see me. I would be such a fine addition now. Here's insanity now, like a bad subject change with a large gaping seam.

I stared at him, my mouth closing, then opening again in so many failed attempts to console his poor heart. My poor Serendipity's heart. Again, nothing came, and I found myself looking back to the horizon before me, each black speck slowly blinking white then black white then black like a strobe light, my mind falling from the scale and slowly rocking back and forth to the rhythm of the Hellish waves below. My brow furrowed, and I felt a whine slip, but I couldn't hear it, the waves roared below, lapping over the whine. I finally took another step, and felt the very tip of my claws go over, a single pebble being knocked over the edge. A tiny, almost inaudible Click... plop then another roar from the caps as they sucked in the tiny innocent pebble.

'Then...' I croaked, starting my sentence off, and then dropping it. I closed my eyes and let out a soft sigh, the wind suddenly soaking through my mind and playing with my thoughts like a puppet on strings. 'Then.... please...' I swallowed the words, choking on them, and gagging inside my chest. 'Love me again.'

I brang my back paws foreward and luanched myself over the edge, the waves and thunder suddenly cracking in harmony and ringing in my mind like an alarm. I closed my eyes before I could see the rays of a morning sun rising above the death of innocence, the death of love. There would now be no pheonix. There would be now rising from my ashes to live and feel again. I was done for.

But I was flying. I was soaring above the Earth, the waves, everything. I was free from the grips of insanity, and I was liberated of the strangle-grasp of life. I could smile without the tear, and breath without the burden.

Sleep... in your only memory... of me...

I felt something soft, but strong suddenly touch my paws, feeling up my legs, stretching over my chest and then enveloping my head. This is it. Forever. I kept my eyes closed. There was no pain. Nothing to remind me of what I was leaving back on the cliff above. He was free now. Not only I, filth, but the angel was no longer chained to my heart.

In the middle of floating, the sea taking me in like a warm hug from a mother, the tears drying from a baby, a sharp pain shot through my whole ribcage, my skeleton, electrocuting my heart. My eyes snapped open, along with the flesh running from my neck all the way to the edge of my hip. I gasped, opening my mouth and letting in a whole wave of salt and water. I gagged, trying to cough the pain out.

What if this was the wrong decision? What if he goes back to insanity now that I am not there for him? This isn't it then. I'm supposed to live for him, I'm not supposed to leave now! No! I'm not supposed to die! I should be there now, not here, not in pain like this. Death should be a beautiful thing, and I shouldn't feel this pain. It's punishment, punishment for the wrong choices! I should be laying in a cloud! I shouldn't be alive still. He wants me to suffer for leaving behind a love that could be! I should have waited for his answer! He could love me again... we could be curled up right now, instead of drounding. Oh, if I hadn't have left him for Kayne. If I had stayed, we could be curled up with a few pups, our hungers filled and our hearts full. Not in pain or sorrow.

I stretched out my legs, trying to push the water from my lungs but with no use. I saw the rock, the sharp jagged rock, blood drifting under the caps and felt the sting of a useless torture. This was torture enough, a broken heart. I shouldn't have to be sliced open and gushing blood into the ocean. I closed my mouth, my throat raw and my eyes burning from the salty water. This is it. I know it. The agony has to be over now.

The blackness came back from the depths of my mind, enveloping the blood and the water, covering over the rock and everything, taking the memories away and yanking them from my chest. I felt another pain, something cracking my spine, and then throwing me against another rock. Yelping, I sucked in more water, then finally, the blackness even shrouded the pain and the sounds, the sights feelings, everything. I had no thought pattern now, it was just replays again. Replaying the boardwalk, the beach, and the pain I had only in my heart and mind. I didn't feel the real pain, smashing around rock to rock like a football between players, no, it was all artificial, just pain my mind had saved for this moment, where I would look back and hopefully laugh at the mistakes I did. Forget them infront of a fire, sipping hot cocoa.

But then... they just... slipped. And I was in night again, except something soft held me now. Not the curls of the ocean waves, but like the gentle cushion of a pillow, like two hands picking you up and cuddling you to a warm chest.

I have never... felt sad at all... You will never hear me say "Im sorry"

A touch of sanity, maybe. The light of a morning sun, the tiny touch of a flower, grazing over my fur, the singing of birds, the laughter of a human child, and the smell of warm food, fresh and welcoming. I never had a home, never had a stable life, never slept on a pillow or ate out of a dish with Zephyr scrolled on the side, never sat for a treat or bounded with my owners.

'Just give me back my heart.'

The arms curled around me tighter, but it was a pleasant squeeze. A bright light flooded the blackness, and a soft sigh escaped my lips. I closed my eyes, and there was no burning from salt, and my throat wasn't raw. Infact, I felt lighter then ever, like a feather in the wind. And you know what? I wasn't sad. I wasn't angry, confused, or anything. I was just fine. Maybe when Serendipity died I would see him wherever I was going.

Surely, wherever that was, it wasn't on the cliffs, or on the boardwalk. This was just the simple journey up, a few minutes of reality, pain, to remind you it was over now, and then just cookies and flowers. Well, not cookies and flowers. But, to end this here. It was over now. Repeated six times, reworded five, and an unintentional reference to it, I was finished.

say a prayer to yourself
he says close your eyes
sometimes it helps
and then i get a scary thought
that hes here means hes never lost

as my life flashes before my eyes
im wondering will I ever see another sunrise?
so many wont get the chance to say goodbye
but its too late too pick up the value of my life

........................................

word: 2902
puppet: Zephyr
note: just realised how well the song fits.
gonna miss my little girl.
playing: russian roulette - rihanna

[` EMBERS]

What have you done?

.xXx. I’ve heard of a story. A story about love, and about hate. About ignorance, and knowledge. I’ve heard a story that not everyone has heard before. A story that only I know best. A story whose truth can only be told through my black lips. My story. The story that existed sub-consciously inside of me since I was first borne into the world, the story that is so carefully written down in black ink upon countless yellowed pages what I’ve done, what I’m doing, what I plan to do. My story is a story that is finished only when I say so, when I put my foot down, when I call out and tell everyone that it’s all over. And by the time my story is done, I won’t be able to tell it to anyone, I won’t be able to share it with those who’ve fallen into the pages. But before now, I’ve never bothered to turn the page, skip ahead to the ending chapter just find out what lies ahead, what I should expect, what’s in store, and I didn’t know how my story was going to end. I didn’t know whether I’d die years to come, lying in a bed of sweet red roses, or perish hard, and cold without a soul to huddle around my decaying body. I. Didn’t. Know.

.xXx. Sometimes I felt like I should have flipped to the back page, looked down upon that scrawly ebony writing. Maybe I would have felt better about my life, forgiven the mistakes I’ve made, because I’d have seen your name, written in bold, capital letters one thousand times across the paper. No matter how much I screwed up my life during chapter one, I’d feel comforted, because I’d know that as the quill finally lay unmoving, finally ceased writing words, that you would be there on the last page. No matter what I did, that ink wasn’t going anywhere, couldn’t be erased. There would be no mistaking that I would see you on my death-bed, that you’d be crouching over me one way or another, hushing me, and simply existing so I’d know that everything would be okay because we were both together, no matter what we’d been through in the beginning of the book. Because the end is all that matters.

.xXx. Does it matter that in the beginning of my story I lay abandoned in the backstreets, my own siblings already gone from my life? Does it matter that I was once bigoted against mutts, and that I could have wished Death upon them? Does it matter that I loved not once, but twice in my time, and that, seemingly, at the end of both, I ended up with nothing but a fistful of hatred and anger in my heart? Does it matter how many chapters are in a book, as long as you know the resolution to the tale? If before you strayed from the cover page, before your eyes just began to meander in and out of the weathered paper, I told you that in the end of the story, everyone lived happily ever after, and everyone found their true love, and went off into the sunset, would you keep reading? Would anything before those last words make a difference if you knew that the story would inevitably end in the way you had been told?

.xXx. But…but maybe I would read the entire story. Maybe I would take in every word from start to finish. For the wisdom, for the gain; for the knowledge that maybe I could’ve done something different, something better, something beneficial. And then I would know where I went wrong, where I poisoned the tale. I could’ve pieced everything together and realized that even though your name was plastered an uncountable amount of times across the final chapter of my story, a collage of your face spread over so many sheets of paper, that maybe it wasn’t to be a good thing, that it was the most awful ending thinkable, and your name wasn’t there to make me smile, and laugh, and think about the spectacular things that lay ahead of us. Perhaps your name was in that final chapter to make me suffer, and writhe, and kill myself from the inside out, because that’s the way life works, isn’t it? From the start, you’re either aided by angels or demons, and your life plays out according to whoever’s possessing you.

.xXx. I know I’m shrouded in black demons, piercing little red eyes blazing like fire in the middle of a cold winter blizzard, and it’s because of that I know that the ending of my story isn’t going to be happy, even if I repeat your name one billion and one times, every other word, capitalized, italicized, bolded, and underlined. Because those demons are sure going to fuck up your name and make me regret ever saying it. And now I wish I had never looked at the ending chapter and seen ZEPHYR printed there ever so neatly, because I know that because you’re here with me at the cold and bitter end, my demons are going to mess up your life too, and I’m not going to be able to stop them no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try to tell them that there’s so many angels floating around your head like a wreath, a halo, an essence of good. They’re not going to pay attention to my pleas, and you’re going to go down to hell with me, even if I said I’d die a thousand deaths filled with torture, torment, and agony to stop it.

.xXx. I’m sorry, Zephyr. I’m sorry that you ever had to meet me on the boardwalk. I’m sorry that I ever stepped foot, and trod upon the dirt on the top of these cliffs tonight. Maybe if I hadn’t, you wouldn’t be cursed along with me, you wouldn’t have been infected with the disease that lives inside my soul and eats away at my heart day by night. Now I truly understand what must happen, what was bound to happen from the start. Why was I so blind? Why? I could’ve foreseen the end of the story, could’ve realized that I had to stay away from you at all costs so I wouldn’t tear you off your alter and into the black flame. If we had never seen each other again after I stalked away from the beach’s shore, our lives wouldn’t have ended up like they’re going to. The quill could’ve written different unchangeable words in that ink, and you could’ve lived happily ever after, and I could’ve gone to hell all by myself. But now I can’t erase the ink, and everything is my fault because I decided to come to the cliffs tonight, and I decided to taunt you by putting my paw over the cliff. And I shouldn’t have done that! I shouldn’t have!

.xXx. Because I see your pain now, Zephyr, I see it creased all across your face, struggling to see reality, struggling to figure out what you’re supposed to do. I can see your pain leaking out of your lips as you whisper my name like it’s supposed to be an antidote to treat a wound that’s too deep to heal. Zephyr, I want you to know that if I could reach over and take that pain out of your voice, out of your heart, I would, because seeing you drowning in the demise that I helped create makes me suffer all the more. To tell you what has been burning in my soul these long months without you is my own cure, my own savior, Zephyr. Don’t you know there hasn’t been a day that I haven’t thought about you? No matter how angry I walked away from you on the beach, how hurt, I had never truly ceased to believe that you were my one, true, and only love.

.xXx. When I left Vira, when we parted ways, and I walked to the left, and she walked to the right, there was no remorse, no regret, no sorrow in our choices. We knew our time was up, that it wouldn’t of worked out, that we’d be happier if we moved on and left each other to our lives. There was a spring in her step, because she knew she was walking in the right direction, and a swell in my chest, because I realized that I could make something new out of my life, find something that would satisfy my loneliness after the two of us parted ways. But you, Zephyr…no…no…It was different. The hurt welling in my gut, no matter how strong, no matter how much I convinced myself I loathed your existence, I knew that wasn’t true. Even when I lost my grip on sanity, when I felt that you were cursing me, haunting me because of what I’d done to you, I still felt that little twinge of warmth. Because I still loved you. Because no matter what you’d done to me, no matter what you put me through, I knew you were meant to be me with, and I with you, and I want to tell you that so bad, because maybe if you understood, you wouldn’t feel that pain, wouldn’t have to play your part at the end of my story that’s bound to end up on a dusty bookshelf in the “Unhappy Endings” section of the library.

.xXx. Wind curled around our two rigid figures like a fist, and the hungry spray from below beat against the side of the cliff. Starving black waters churning, churning, waiting to engulf the life, ready to steal, ready to take away heart and soul, ready to drag into the roiling depths of cold, unseen sea. Hissing white foam clung and held fast to the pointed stones protruding from the cliff’s craggy face, the pounding torrent thrashing impatiently, violently. Was it conscious of every moment? Was the Creator of All Things sitting up in the sky above, playing with the ocean like a toy? The sea seemed to rise, seemed to flood, seemed to take on the characteristic of greed, a voracious attitude I couldn’t understand as my Zephyr’s pawsteps found themselves drawing nearer to the cavernous mouth of the dark surge of water, reaching out to her like an animal dying of thirst amidst the desert sands. It wanted her, wanted to feed off of her, wanted to take her into its icy embrace. But I wanted her more, more than anything. She was an incurable obsession, something I would die without, but couldn’t lean far enough forward to touch. But I needed her.

.xXx. Mouth formed words that I could not speak. Her name rolled off of my lips, but only a silent plea issued from my throat, a plea that no one else could understand but me. Rasping, my breath came hard. The sea caught it, turned it misty, a small puff, a hint of a cloud. The sudden chill that had settled around us made me look to the sky, to the place where there was said to be a throne in the clouds, a place where our Maker could look down upon us. The moment was too well planned out. The angry sea, the cold rush of the wind on our fur, the abrupt change from the warm pleasant night that seemed all too long ago. Who cursed us, if not the Creator? I thought of my demons, the demons that tailed my heels, and then of Zephyr’s angels, small, white, and haloed. Then I thought of Fate, and of Destiny, and of the story of my life. Where had I gone wrong? Where had I angered those more powerful than I, angered them enough to smite back, to create a time when I would be so desperate. So desperate, and so helpless to do a thing. I stood a mere foot away from the only true love I had ever had, but could not stop her from walking up to Death in his descent down the dark skyline.

.xXx. My forepaw had remained dangling in the air throughout this time, quivering forlornly. With an effort, I managed to settle it upon the dusty ground and pull my body forward, pull it so I stood only an inch away from Zephyr, so I could look straight into her glossy eyes as her body turned to me. Her irises spoke of desperation, of a journey, of an end. I could feel my consciousness slipping into those large optics, my mind dragged off its paws and into her story. I found words flowing freely, not from my lips, but from each shimmer, each blink of my eyes, and our existences began to meld themselves together as our locked gazes held steady for what could have been a century, an eternity, a forever that I knew could never have existed, but had to have been true within that second. The demons pressed harder against my side, and my breath became shallow and hesitant, as if I was seconds from meeting Death myself. But I couldn’t tear myself away, I could only look at her. Look at her and remember just how much I loved her. Remember…remember…Remember because remembering was all I could do when she was gone…And she would go, because that’s what her eyes said to me.

.xXx. Mounting pain birthed itself into my chest, and rapidly spread throughout my entire body. The tension between our gaze seemed to break as my vision blurred, eyes filling with the tears I should have cried long ago, shed the second I left the beach, shed when I revisited the Boardwalk, let drip upon the ground leaving a trail of droplets wherever I traveled, wherever I dwelt. Lips again parted to speak, but found them sealed shut as her own mouth opened; so slowly, so gently, like the slow moving clouds letting the sun’s rays finally break through the pearly white. Her halo was glowing so bright, so bright I could barely see her face that was bathed in such white light, light that was much to pure to be seen by my dark eyes. White was engulfing her neck, and her back, and soaking her skin, delving into each strand of fur that lay slick against her bodice. I felt like I should be squinting, but I looked on at her so effortlessly, I knew it wasn’t real. But that didn’t mean I couldn’t imagine her the way I always saw her in my mind; like a messenger from Heaven.

.xXx. It was suddenly hot. Hot like warm flames had swathed my body, had licked eagerly at my fur with bizarre crimson tongues. White light seeped past my skin and into the whole of me, alighting me; I had become a nightlight in the dark...Had I been mistaken when I believed something to have clicked? Perhaps insanity still clung to me like a frightened child. Things I knew could not be true, were not really happening, seemed to occur before my eyes. And yet I felt more sound than I had ever done in past months in which I wandered aimlessly without purpose; the fog had been wiped away from glassy brown optics, and I could now peer out of those glazed windows into the world and see everything in a clear new daylight that I had not witnessed since I walked away from the beach. It was both frightening and beautiful to stand before the blinding light emitted from the angel I had come to both love and hate.

.xXx. A sudden brilliant flash burst fiercely from Zephyr, and I became numb and sightless. Empty eyes sought the face of an angel, seeking, but never finding. It was dark now, and wherever I turned, I found nothing. Nothing but the void. And from within the swirling black, suddenly, there was Zephyr. Glowing. Smiling a sad, worn smile that I wasn’t sure was real. Because I knew that nothing that played before could be existent. The light and the dark, that was all the Creator. That was all the demons. That was all Fate and Destiny. Toying with the moment. Tweaking a little here and there, and speaking softly to my mind in gentle, deft whispers that made out the scene to be something it wasn’t. Something terrible. Setting the stage for the tragic downfall of the hero. The story couldn’t end without the terror, the exhilaration, the climatic finesse. There had to be light, and darkness, a twinge of guilt, a peck of happiness. And then tears. And remorse. And guilt, and sorrow. And Death.

.xXx. Zephyr opened her mouth before me, the sadness pulsating from her body, flowing freely like blood pouring from an open wound. Her lips quivered as she spoke, and I opened my own mouth to comfort her with words unsaid, but the air remained untouched and soundless as I vainly sought for the words in my throat. And the void erupted in a flurry of sound that reverberated off walls of ebony night, and rattled the things that never existed and never would. Yet however loud she spoke, her voice touched my ears with the gentleness of a small white butterfly landing on the petal of a flower, wings fluttering feebly. Then… She sounded small, like she was falling farther and farther down every second words left the tip of her tongue, and the farther away she grew from me, the less I could hear her. Like she was fading away. Then please… The unspoken sound of my own voice remained absent within the vacant abyss. Her soft utterance rolled off of her like rain water and spattered me with her sad dewy speech. Love me again.

.xXx. A sweeping wind shattered the dark chasm and seemed to blow everything away. Everything. Everything, I found, was very little. Everything was simply Zephyr and I. Our bodies simply ceased to exist, and as the wind blew harder and harder, we faded away. And no sooner had I looked at my decaying paws being eaten up by black, had they reformed upon solid rock. The cliff again. And though I knew I had never left the bitter night, and the tall rocks by the sea, I felt the guilt of leaving Zephyr when she looked at me with such imploration burning in her eyes. Roiling waters filled the sounds of the night again, and though I had no way of knowing that Zephyr had actually spoken to me, or whether my demons had been pulling the strings, directing the play, shooing the puppet this way and that, my dry tongue stirred up the words in my mouth, desperately prodding the soft assurance, I will. But I was too late. I was far too late. My words went unsaid, my mouth remained closed. And I knew Zephyr would never hear me speak to her again.

.xXx. My demons were laughing. Cackling. A high pitched, triumphant squeal which could only mean that Fate and Destiny were tottering closer and closer to hell. And there they were, spiraling around Zephyr. They grabbed at her with greedy hands, snatched at her halo, tossed it to the side. They ripped at her feathered white wings, pulled it apart in tufts, left them to float away in the breeze and fade into nothing as my eyes followed them desperately. And when they had stripped her from her angelic throne, when they made her mortal once again, only then did they quiet. Smirks plastered on their small, pointed faces, they surrounded my broken angel. As they pushed her sides, she turned, her eyes slipping away from mine, and however hard chocolate orbs called back to her, she did not return my stare. With a flurry of motion, the demons lifted her from the ground. Her front paws left the earth, her hind legs pushed with a determined fury. The sound of claws scraping upon stone and dirt splintered my ears. And she was gone.

.xXx. Her flight through the air lasted the whole of forever. Fur streaming behind her, her descent down the sky seemed effortless. The demons clung tight to her pelt, small red dots against the navy sky. And they were laughing again. A silent scream of horror streamed from mouth. My body went rigid in the sharp burst of agony that exploded in my heart, and mind, and soul. Quavering, mentality weakly convinced me it was the Creator. It was just the demons. Just Fate and Destiny playing with the moment again. Not Death. No, no, it couldn’t be Death. Zephyr’s eyes had not told me a terrible tale of Fate. No. I had misread. I had been mistaken. I didn’t want the demons, couldn’t I have angels too? And the angels would help me, Zephyr’s angels too, and they would take us away on soft clouds into the sunset and we would live happily ever after. A children’s tale, in the cheery corner of a sunny library in the middle of an ever ending summer.

.xXx. Pale and motionless, pulsating heart burned the skin lapping over chest. Tears swam in the middle of a cracked dry desert, unable to quench parched land. Lips parted to form an utterance so quiet, breath could not touch ear tips. Zephyr…Zephyr…no… Weak limbs trembled with a terrifying force, threatening to give way and let great white bodice crumble to the ground. Emotions revolved quickly, my world spinning faster and faster on its axis, spinning out of control, falling out of orbit and streaming down a black, starless sky into an endless pit. I would never stop falling, because infinity has no end. Screaming, writhing, flailing in unstoppable agony as body twisted in air, never able to touch, never able to feel the comfort of solid earth. And I would always fall. And I would always be so, so far away from the ground. I can’t reach through the infinity and regain what I’d lost. I didn’t just lose Zephyr. I. Lost. Everything.

.xXx. Simply standing, simply breathing, simply existing seemed utterly pointless. I had failed. Failed to beat the Creator. Failed to overtake Fate and Destiny. Failed to stop my demons. Failed to prevent Death from drawing too near. And yet there was still fire. Fire, fire, burning bright, desperately attempting to ignite an iced over mind and soul. The fire screamed. Oh, it not only screamed, it wailed, and screeched, and thrashed about. It told me in a high, clear voice, a piercing tone I had only heard once before, upon the day my sanity had fallen into pieces. The sound was the same quality that the tiny angel winged Zephyr had before she had shattered into a million small glass pieces. But it was different this time. The wild shout of the flame did not spin my mind like a Frisbee flying through the air, it held it steady, it started to melt the ice that held my body rigid. I listened long and hard. I listened to each note, and within each one, I could hear speech. Distinguishable language. Language that dripped from the mouth of Zephyr.

.xXx. Her voice, this complex figment of my imagination, spoke solemnly, slowly, but with a tinge of imploration at the tip. The quiet speech was half drowned out in the wailing of the dark flame, and yet I could make out each syllable quite plainly. Serendipity…Please…Come and find me…Don’t let me go… It was not real. It was not held within the bounds of Reality. And yet I could not force myself to believe it wasn’t Zephyr, that the insanity was coming back. The screams, and the fire, and Zephyr’s voice I only saw when I was bridging back over to the Other Realm. But how could I expect myself to walk away? Did I believe that I would stand here for the rest of my life, or maybe sleep on things, and leave the Cliffside the next morning? No…no…I would not leave, I would not leave my Zephyr. She…she couldn’t be dead. She was in the water, she had to be…floating…just…floating. And I could…I could save her. I would save her. I had to…I had to…

.xXx. Mere seconds had passed since the flight of my angel, and in those sheer moments, everything was decided. In one tick of the clock, the horror. Upon the first tock, the ice. Another tick, and the fire shot up in my heart, and a second tock brought forth the inevitable future of this all. Four seconds. Four seconds is what would decide whether or not it was time to stop writing the story of my life. Stiff body broke away from bonds of ice, claws hit the earth hard, chipped them away. Jaw held firm, set with determination, and beady eyes met the gray sky, seeking the black figure of death gliding between the clouds. The demons were laughing far away now, far below in the roiling waves. Front paws landed, teetering precariously on the edge of a stony drop, hind legs thudding behind them, strong and hard. Impact synchronized with a blast of thunder, haunches dropped inches from the soil, legs screwed up like that of a jumping rabbit. Paws seized the last earth they would ever touch, and legs shot forward like springs, catapulting my great white body over the edge, out over the waning moon, and that ebony sea, consuming everything in its path, consuming my angel.

.xXx. Swirling fog embraced my heavy frame, mist swelling as I shattered its delicate structure. The gaunt figure of Death I could see perched on its throne before me, draped in black vapor. Demons once against crawled through my flesh, clawed, scarlet little devils, black haze dancing about them. They weighed me down, forcing me into a terrified stupor, as my plummet steepened. Forelegs remained outstretched, poised for the desperate last jump of a hero. Windswept fur breathed in the night, engorging, a ruffle of white hemmed lace against dark velvet. I was going to save Zephyr…I would land gracefully into the water, sweep her out of harm’s way, out of the path of Death. I would swim to shore, her body hanging gently in my mouth. She would be revived, and I could chase away my demons, she would share with me her own angels, and we could write the true story! We could write it the way it was supposed to be written since our paws led the two of us off of the rickety boardwalk.

.xXx. A single bound. A single bound, and a fistful of courage and desperation. Claws dug into the earth but once. The thud of my body hitting the earth, my legs bending and lifting from the ground, fur a streamline behind me, pulling me back to the ground, frantically gasping in the reality of it all. My paws stretched out before me, reaching into the sky, reaching into Heaven so I could be just that much closer, just almost as perfect as Zephyr. Shining optics reflected the clouds, reflected the stars and moon, and reflected the hope that burned on an ever ending wick inside my chest. The demons cackles resounded in my head, and I could feel their heat pulsating below, thrashing wildly, triumphantly and the current, egging my onward.

.xXx. I could fly. I could be a hero. A hero surrounded by the constant presence of the Devil, of evil. But I knew heroes could fall. And I was falling. I was plummeting, but I didn’t care. Heroes meet their demise. My demise, my fall, my end was here, the demon toggling my mindset stated bluntly. But no, I was saving Zephyr, I was coming to douse our world in happy, and strip hate from its burning alter. I was harboring love under my wing, and when I released it, everything I abhorred would crumple into hot ash and embers, and we would love each other with all that we had. I was a hero. I was hero, not a villain. I used to be a villain, I used to hate, and anger. But I cherish, I possess, and cajole, and love! Most of all, I love, and anyone who can love can be the hero. Anyone…

.xXx. Spinning, drowning in an unfathomable abyss. And I could not see. I could not see anything except for her, for Zephyr. Now I could feel the water, feel the sea spitting vehemently onto my pelt, raining hateful tears over my body as I neared its open mouth. The torrent foamed wildly, spume splayed over the bitter rocks. It was cold, colder than ice, colder than revulsion. People say hell is hot, burning. Hell is cold, frigid. Love is hot. Love burns, like Heaven, not Hell. My body was twisting, a warped form of my original figure. I could see the water, and the sky, and the cliff, now, and still, Zephyr. My vision blurred and sharpened, and I couldn’t decide if I was seeing out of my own glittering brown optics, or that of someone in a perverse world looking into a dream.

.xXx. The liquid burrowed beneath the thick white pelt, skin screaming as the violent water lapped at it with an icy, forked tongue. A raspy gasp gouged the air, and my flank scraped hard against the edge of a ragged stone. The smell of blood was overwhelming, and my mind’s eye knew that not all of it was mine. A tingling sensation forced my body to quiver in whelming emotion, as the blood poured into my nostrils, red color dulled with the salted seawater, frothing around me. Claws grappled at the rocks, and I clumsily sought something to grasp, body plunging in and out of the water, frothing current encircling me.

.xXx. And Zephyr, there was still Zephyr. Stinging eyes, blurred as I surveyed the dank scene. It was all gray, the rocks, and the ocean, and the sky, and everything was so gray. Color is too alive, and everything here…everything here is so dead. My side burned, the salt seeping into raw flesh, and a fog of scarlet encased me in a deathly ring. An open mouth caught the wind. Zephyr! Zephyr! I screamed her name like a forgotten lullaby I was singing to drown out a scathing nightmare. A flash of tan fur surfaced above the water several feet from me, and I flailed out wildly for it, paddling furiously to keep above the churning waves.

.xXx. A wall of smoky water encompassed me, and I could feel my little demons tugging on my slick pelt, and jabbing at my face. Uttering her name again, mouth filled with salt, and I gagged forlornly, fighting against the tumult. It wasn’t fair. I was one against many, and they had strength in numbers, those demons…Beneath me, I could feel something pressing into me, wet fur sliding against my paws. Jarring my weakening body, my intake of breath called the water into my mouth, and I guzzled it all down my bleeding throat. Coughing blood into the sea, I resurfaced huddling precious air close before thrusting downward, floundering beneath the shifting sea, reaching again for the touch of Zephyr’s body.

.xXx. The cold flesh of a corpse drifted into me, and my jaws parted, teeth closing around any hold I could find. Wet fur stuck to my tongue, and I coughed half heartedly, paws pushing against each surge that swept my feet away. A steadfast grip pulled up that broken angel, and I could feel my head breaking into clean air. Hauling the body upward, I searched greedily for something, anything, a ledge in which to place her, to croon over the beating heart that kept fading away into void. Sore muscles pumped with vigor, eyes squinting, crying out the waves and the feeling that I’d harbored in my aching soul.

.xXx. Rising behind me like a foreboding tombstone, a vertical stretch of water hovered over me, those little demons riding the waves. My eyes caressed Zephyr, whose face I could not see, whose eyes may or may not have been shrouded by Death’s cloak. It came upon me in a rush, and my teeth dug into crisp flesh, iced over by the sea. My own eyes forced closed, crusted over with dried tears, and the ocean waves. I had been flung into the dark, and I was twirling about in the arms of the unforgiving current. My bleeding hide was letting lose freely, and I could feel the blood settling over my tongue. Dashed against a rock, I could hear a distant crack as my skull impacted with a rough hewn rock. A piece of it broke away, engraved into my head, and the pain immediately vanished.

.xXx. Pinned against the side of the rock by the current, my jaw slipped out of place, cracking as the weight of the love I held pulled me down. But I couldn’t feel anything, and as my eyes fluttered, I could see red creeping down my forehead, shadowing the eyes I knew should have been ablaze with pain. Zephyr was slipping from my grasp, and the tearing of her skin as my teeth slid echoed in my ears. Sputtering silently, as the waves ceased, my body skimmed the rock, and I plummeted into the water, cloudy blood forming a halo above me. A demon caught my ear, holding it close, whispering, ’You’re going to die today, The tears were slithering out of my eyes like little snakes, and for the first time, as Zephyr fell away from me, I could see her eyes were dead, and not even the sun was reflected there, only little black shadows, and a cackling Devil.

.xXx. My legs closed around her body, and we both fell farther and farther away from the night air and the life we should have loved. At least I would die next to her, next to the body and essence of her, and I knew I would have smiled if I was strong enough, knowing she was there for me even after her death. And a laugh smoldered my thoughts as a demon swam beside me, carrying the severed head of a tiny angel jabbed into a spoke. Paddling luxuriously beside me, I watched it as it moved closer to the body of my love, a smile sewn across its little face.

.xXx. Just a tug, just a small little tug, and it pulled Zephyr from me, and I was suddenly alone, drifting into a cavity in this world, down into hell without her. And if I could have cried, I would have shed a thousand tears, and all the blood in my body for her. But it was never meant to be; we couldn’t be together, not even in death.

puppet. SERENDIPITY
word count. FIVE-THOUSAND-EIGHT-HUNDRED&THIRTY-FOUR
muse. TEN-OUT-OF-TEN
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What have you done now?