.Makes No Sense../

[MENTAL]

^{I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway}


Cars. Cars. Cars. They're just everywhere. Parked all along both sides of the street, driving along it in both directions, parked in designated parking places off the street. Everywhere. My nails click each time I take a step, scraping along the asphalt of the road as I moved my paw along in the air, not too far off the ground. My nails were very unladylike, worn and cracked, each one of them. The whole idea of the scraping them along the road was to hopefully get them shorter, if they're shorter then they propose less off a hassle to me and I don't need any more hassles hanging around me.

My eyes are focused on the cars that surround me, not the ones standing still but the ones actually moving. The white lines of the road moving underneath me while I walk slowly. I have nowhere to be, no one to meet.. Just nothing. My brother is off somewhere doing something, probably still trying to find the rest of our family. But we have been abandoned. I have tried, I have tested each and every one of my senses to try and find them but it has been in vain. They're just nowhere. I haven't given up.. I will never give up. But I am tired, I just need to stop doing it for a short while, to regain all of my strength again so that I can do a better job of it hopefully.

My muscles ache under my long coat, the golden hairs all working to hide my skinny body and make me appear well fed. I haven't eaten in days though, I have felt my stomach shrink with emptyness. Probably trying to consume itself. It has even stopped hurting, there's no more protesting or pain coming from it, its as if its not there anymore. Everything to me seems like a blur, reality is slowly fading away around me. My movements almost lulling me to sleep. I can feel my head lower as my eyes slowly start to shut. So tired. I did not even notice the car coming straight at me, with its blaring horn and flashing lights...

^{Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up}

[/blockquote]

[tsuya]

nuju

[/font]

Singin' myself to sleep
And you're still my favorite melody
It's been three weeks
How long can this go on?

[/right][/font]

I shy to the side of the road as a clunking behemoth stutters by, putting like it was about to give out at any moment and belching out black smog that rose into the sky. The passenger swore at me and dropped a cigarette to the curb before floring it at the red light and disappearing into the distance. I coughed. It was a wonder any creature could still breath in this world, what with disgusting humans clogging up our nostrils with emessions. I paused for a moment then shook my head. No, somehow, the world going to hell in a polluted handbasket would be my fault. I probably influenced some car maker to manufacture a greedy gas guzzler and it was called 'The Ford Nuju.' or something. I pinned my red eye closed, a birth defect. The pupil contracted to a tiny dot, making the world dark on one side and extremely bright on the other.

My mother now rots in hell because of me. My father is probably dead, somewhere. My youngest sister died because of me, and my youngest brother rotted to death, starving, still wet from birth. Because of me. My oldest sister is sitting in a home on a lineolium floor eating prepackaged, freezedried, circular pellets made of compressed cow livers and horse brains. Yup, you guessed it- because of me. My father had given his life trying to convince me that my mom was just a muttering freak, who was so supersticious the sun would be a bringer of bad luck if up to her to write the script of the natural world. But her words still made an effect on me, because I was a smudge on the perfection of her life. If I hadn't been born, then things would still be perfect. Shes dead now, anyways- but her words cut through me like a knife.

Something caught my attention, and I wheeled, curly tail flapping lightly. A golden-furred dog was lazily drifting along the road, and a car was coming straight towards her. Cursing to myself that I had fucked up fate so much for the poor thing, I launched my wiry body into the road. My pupil dialated, bringing in extra light, and I sank my teeth into a sack of skin and bones. Propelling my Anatolian Shephard body along, I made one final lunge for the opposite sidewalk. I felt the whirr of air as the car passed me by, missing the pads of my paws by a centimeter. Sighing with relief and panting with exertion, I dropped the husk to the cement, deep in the darness of an alleyway. I noticed she was a female. Sadness pinged inside of me. I cocked my head, and trotted away, returning dragging a black garbage bag and letting it collapse open, splaying the ground with half eaten food. I quickly trotted to her face, and nudged her gingerly. Hey. I protested. Hey, wake up.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/font]

'Cause I'm drowning when I close my eyes
And I'm falling; I can't breathe tonight
End of story, I fade to black inside
I never said I was the best thing for you

[/right][/font]

breaths; 67o
muse; 7/1o
for; Mena with Arty
mind demon; Nuju
theme music; Zzzzz by The Cab
thoughts; sorry for the powerplaying on the road. i didn't want her to flatten to a pancake

[/center][/font]

[MENTAL]

^{I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway}


Senses suddenly become aware again, mind bringing itself back to consciousness in time to see the front of the car coming close. I had strayed too far into one of the lanes, going off of the path that I had been following along the center of the road. I feel teeth on me, pressing into my small amount of flesh. No sound came from me, my mind barely even registering the pain that it caused me. I would feel it soon enough, when the slowed messages reached my brain. Everything seemed delayed to me, dull and slow.. I could barely concentrate on anything or keep up with what was happening. A moment ago I had been staring straight at a car coming my way and now I was lying on the hard ground in an alleyway. I shook my head to wake myself up fully, to get my mind working again. I had not realized how much my lack of eating had weakened me and had eaten away at my strength and independence.

I slowly got onto my feet, my whole body slumped as if I was too heavy but I barely weighed much at all. I wasn't one to be taken care of, I'd never been one to rely on someone else to keep my healthy. But when a black rubbish bag landed right in front of me with its contents thrown at my feet I was thankful. Though instantly it made me aware that there was another dog, I should've realized it before but I hadn't. Lifting my head I looked to where the dog was, a mistrusting and defensive expression on my face. But I was hungry.. I had no choice but to trust this dog for the moment, I wouldn't be able to do much to it anyway. I lowered my muzzle towards the bag of rubbish, pushing some things away before gobbling down others. I wasn't a very picky eater but I did prefer freshly hunted meat to things found in bags and bins behind buildings. All the things that the humans didn't want.. It wasn't good enough for them so we had to eat it.

I didn't eat much, my shrunken stomach wouldn't be able to hold much food without causing me pain. But I ate enough to fill it and to slowly give me enough strength to stay awake and so that everything wouldn't go grey and black as I pass out. I look over at the other dog again, my expression one of curiosity now. I wasn't aggressive towards others by nature, unless they gave me reason to be. My defensiveness was purely because of instinct, my will to survive despite my occasional choices which appeared quite suicidal. I was good at getting myself out of bad situations, but this time I hadn't done so well and had it not been for this dog I might not even have had a chance to try it again or anything like that. But saying thank you wasn't exactly one of my strong points so as I tried to think of words to express my small amount of gratitude I just couldn't think of any.

^{Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up}

[/blockquote]

[tsuya]

nuju

[/font]

Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To turn your tears to roses

[/right][/font]

No words of thanks, no heroful praise. I coughed lightly. It gave me mixed feelings. I was happy I didint' get any 'cuz I didn't deserve any. But then again, I did save her life. I watched the bedraggled dog slowly, surely, sorrowfully get to its feet and eat, not much, just a little bit, but still, she seemed gorged. I laid on my stomach and watched. It had been a while since I had seen another dog, and it had been even longer before another dog when a while without mentioning my bad eye, which had contracted into a tiny dot again. My eye. A birthmark. A curse mark. It had marked me since the day I was born and took my first steps. A sinner. A hater. A bringer of bad luck. I didn't wanna be that though. So young, yet the cause of so many problems and disasters.

When she looked at me with distrust in her eyes, I met her gaze with sadness. Not pity, just sadness. A sorrow that she had to go through his because of me. I'm sorry. I murmured as she ate, and I wondered if she heard me. So sorry. I blinked my red eye shut as it dialated again. It was just a red circle, no other tones, hints... a red iris, a red... cornea? I think thats what it was called. With a tiny black dot in the middle. A satanic mark. My father had said that maybe, just maybe, back in our lineage a grandfather or gerat-grandfather had one just like it- but then my mother had said that because I was the satanic embodiement, and no one else was, that that couldn't of happened. My mother. I missed her, even though I hated her and she hated me.

When she looked at me for a second time, I offered her a smile. She looked curious. But she didn't say anything yet. She was probably an independant creature. I'm sorry its not much, but I don't trust my hunting abilities enough to try and catch something fresh. It would've taken too long. I cocked my head and closed my eyes. You should stay out of the road. I joked. I then cocked it to the other side. I'm Nuju. Who are you?

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/font]

No, you'll never be alone
When darkness comes I'll light the night with stars
Hear the whispers in the dark
No, you'll never be alone

[/font][/right]

breaths; 57o
muse; 4/1o
for; Mena with Arty
mind demon; Nuju
theme music; Whispers in the Dark by Skillet
epilogue; Sorry its horrid.

[/size][/font]

[MENTAL]

^{I cannot take this anymore
I'm saying everything I've said before
All these words they make no sense
I find bliss in ignorance
Less I hear the less you'll say
But you'll find that out anyway}


A smile.. he didn't mind that I wasn't thanking him? I'm not completely sure what to think of him yet, my thoughts and emotions are balancing on a thin wire fence. Still deciding which side to fall towards. I suppose I should like him at least a little though, after all, he did just save my life. Well, I guess he did. I can't really know since I don't exactly know what happened. Maybe I should ask... No. I don't need to know what happened. I'm still alive, whether he saved me or not, and I'd been fed, thanks to him.. He was making me go against everything that was in my nature.. He was in a way taking care of me, making me feel as though I was dependent on him, even if it was just for a few minutes, a few seconds. It didn't matter. My emotions were leaning towards dislike.. its footing on the fence becoming unsure.. almost tipping off.. almost..

I don't know whether its my brain being deluded or what but the corners of my mouth turned upwards as I relaxed completely. I have no idea how it had happened but despite his actions and the way they went against what I believe he had managed to win me over. A good thing. First impressions always counted with me.. it was what made me decide whether to be friendly or hostile and I rarely ever changed my mind without good reason when I'd decided. I made my way slowly closer to him, almost stumbling over a piece of rubbish or two on my way. When I was close enough I just dropped down onto the hard ground, barely feeling the impact of the earth against my body. I was lying close to him though not touching him.

I let my head rest on my paws, my eyes shutting for a few moments before opening again and turning towards him so that I could watch him calmly. "Why'd you do that?" My tone of voice was strong, not unhappy or mean exactly but quite demanding. It didn't quite match my appearance at the moment. Though given time I would build up my body mass again to go back to the way I normally was. I was only weak in body though, not weak in mind. It's a good thing that my muscles aren't fading away too.. then it'd be a lot more work for me to regain my strength. All I needed at the moment was good meals daily and some rest. I needed to stop putting all my effort into searching for my family and start taking better care of myself.

^{Shut up when I'm talking to you
Shut up, Shut up, Shut up}

[/blockquote]

[tsuya]

nuju

[/font]

I remembered black skies, lightning all around me.
I remembered each flash, as time began to blurr.
Like a startling sign, that fate had finally found me.
And your voice was all I heard, did I get what I deserved?

[/right][/font]

Somewhere, deep inside of me, I really hoped that she didn't hate me. I sighed and dropped my head, ashamed of all the trouble I've caused her. I know its probably not how you're used to living. But, um... I'm sure you're used to living. I couldn't find any other way to word it, so I offered another smile. You can hate me. I wouldn't... mind. I lied. I didnt' really know why, but I was almost one hundred percent sure it was because I was sick, tired and angry that everyone hated me. Even I hated me, and, well... theres no where to escape from the haters if you hate yourself. Always hiding, and, well, its really hard to hide from yourself. I gulped. Please don't hate me. I thought desperatly. Pleeeeeease. .

I saw her soften and relax, so I relaxed. Not that I wasn't alreayd relaxed, its just that before this I was a scardy cat relazed and now I was just relaxed. For someone who is hated twenty four seven by everyone- even oneself- relaxing completely is rather hard. Take it from me, you never know when one of your haters is gonna come up and try to chew your poor, hated head off. I sighed. Maybe she really wouldn't hate me, but I kind of knew it was just wishful thinking. Somewhere, down the road, she would find something or discover something and I would be hated again. I should change my name to 'Hated' ya know? Seems I use the word enough, it might as well be the only word in my vocabulary. In fact, 'I hate you' was the first phrase I learned, and I didn't use it on other dogs, it was used on me. By my own mother. I've been hated since the very moment of my birth, and mostly because of my eye.

She moved closer to me, and dropped down. Closed her eyes for a second. then she asked me a question, a question I wouldn't have trouble answering. Her tone of voice belayed a strong dog, a great, independant dog, which trail through the Hard Knocks of Life had left her somewhat beaten and bruised, but not banished. Can you tell I love alliteration? I sighed and stayed quiet for a long, long, while, then answered. Because... its my fault. There are a few in this world that didn't know that I was the unwilling embodiement of Satanic deeds, so they were often confused by this answer that I gave. And I'm sorry.

[/blockquote][/blockquote][/font]

Let the floods cross the distance in your eyes
Give me reason to fill this hole, connect the space between
There was nowhere to hide, the ashes fell like snow
And the ground caved in between where we were standing

[/right][/font]

breaths; 65o
muse; 5/1o
for; Mena with Arty
mind demon; Nuju
theme music; New Divide by Linkin Park
thoughts; sorryyy it took me a while

[/center][/font]

[MENTAL]

^{So here you are now, nowhere to turn
It's just the same old yesterday
And you made a promise to yourself
That you were never gonna be this way
And the only thing that you've ever known is to run
So you keep on driving faster into the sun}

I hadn't really been listening to much of what he'd been saying, not able to really focus that well on his words. But this time I listened, letting his answer make its way through my ears and into my brain, making me understand. His answer filled my eyes with pity, pity that he would think it was his fault. My actions were no one's fault but my own, I had chosen to do what I'd done and no one would have been able to make me do anything other than that. I didn't often let anyone influence my decisions and actions. What I did was wholly my own ideas. The food was already giving me back my strength, I was still tired but not so much that I would fall asleep while walking down the middle of a road. I could continue my existence as myself again and act accordingly.

I lifted myself onto my feet again, not straightening them fully as I just shifted my weight enough to carry me closer to him before I lowered myself onto the ground once more, one paw resting across him as I let my head rest against his neck. "It's not your fault." I told him in a tone that wouldn't let him argue. And if he did want to argue then he would learn that it was a bad idea to argue with me, even in a weakened state I would rarely ever lose an argument. Especially when I knew that what I said was the truth. "What I did had been my choice, not yours." I continued on, just to convince him a bit more that I was right and that it wasn't his fault.

I moved against so that I was just lying against him comfortably, letting my head rest on him. It didn't seem as though I'd just met him, but the shortness of our relationship didn't matter to me. He saved my life, fed me.. The first impression that he'd made had given me enough reason to trust him fully and to know that I did not dislike him. He was now a friend whether he liked it or not, and I loved all of my friends and family. "Why would you say it's your fault?" I asked, my tone curious. I just wanted to know, it was a funny thing that he would say my actions was his fault as if he'd made me do what I'd done.

^{So don't give up now
You're so close to a brand new day
Yes, you are and if you just can bear to be alone
I'll stay}

[/blockquote]

[tsuya]

nuju

[/font]

One day you'll hear me singin' on the radio
a song that I wrote for the life you tore
and if you hear me singing woah-oh-ah-oh, consider this bitterest goodbye:
Kiss mine!

[/size][/right]

I could see she was thoughtfully going over my words, and I wondered if she would agree or not. I sighed. Then I saw her eyes, filled with pity. Pity. Pity. Pity was all I saw. Would I rather be pitied or hated? I wondered to myself, figuring out it was a rather hard decision. Then I figured I could have- would have- to learn to live with both of them, because nothing would change as long as I still was in this place. And by place, I didn't mean street, village, city, town, state, country, continent, world- I meant life. As long as I, the unwilling embodiement of all things satanic and hurtfull, was alive, the world would fall apart around me. And the only way I could do that was by ending my life- but even if I was weak, I was stronger than that.

She moved ever closer and draped a paw over me, head pressed against my neck. Was she going to kill me? No, the tone of her voice held no agression. Oh well, she is probably one of the not-believers. Truthers, I think they're called. but I kept silent. It was too, my fault. I had been raised, every day, knowing, learning, being told it was my fault by the mother I loathed. Hated. Needed. Loved. Missed. Did I miss her, really? Did I love her?

Your choice. I whispered hoarsly, quiet. I was suddenly thirsty. Yes. Your choice. My influence. Somehow. Some, many would say I was grasping at straws here, but I was the embodiement of all things satanic and hurtful. My mere presence caused bad things to happen. I was a walking butterfly effect of doom, for Gods sake. I was convinced that I was the cause of her depletion. She rested on me, calmly, quietly. Her question made me search for an answer. I couldn't just outright say that I was the embodiement of all things satanic and hurtful, no, then she'd peg me as crazy and insane and probably kill me-as much as I wished. Because...you wouldn't understand. I finished meekly. You just wouldn't.

[/size][/font]

Heads up, this jokes on you.
Car crash, right on cue.
These speakers know you well
So you can hum along while you burn in hell.

[/size][/right]

breaths; 56o
muse; 5/1o
for; Mena with Arty
mind demon; Nuju
theme music; Revenge on the Radio by Danger Is My Middle Name
epiloge;Can you tell i like saying embodiement of all things satanic and hurtful? lol~

[/font]